Tomorrow, a new year will begin. I’m feeling great about it. It’s been a long time since I celebrate the last New Year celebration. When was it? The year 2003. I still remember that night clearly in my mind. All of our family sitting on the field with eyes looking at the sky, for 30 minutes later, the dark sky with shining star turned colorful. The sparkling fireworks above us. It was so beautiful, and memorable.
That happens 5 years ago, just after I finish my SPM exam. That time, I wouldn’t expect that I will be here studying medicine. At that time, I did not expect that so many things will happen 5 years later. And how would I change so much, and how much I did not change.
A year later, things change. A lot of things happen to me. A lot of new experience I gained and after that, year after year, I am what I am right now.
31st December 2007, I am remembering the past. Recalling every person I met, every place I have went, every things that I give up with, and every moment that I could not forget. I am excited as everyone else around me. Waiting the New Year to come hoping that the New Year will bring something to our lives. I am waiting for it and I am excited about it.
So what I am going to do on the night of New Year celebration. The first thing I do is to look into my wallet, and I found that there is no more money left. What?!! I spend so much for my car petrol, or else. I cannot recall where my money go. I’m broke.
But celebration is still on. Me and my roommate went to Giant Supermarket, calculating our money, and then decide to buy a drink and a few snacks for us to celebrate. A few friends ask me to go with them watching movie but with my money less than rm100, I deny the invitation. I need to let my spending rest for a moment. ( No one really go for the movie actually)
So when I think about it again, this year New Year, did not make any much difference from last year. Still celebrating New Year in the hostel with peanuts and Pepsi. And this year, sadly, it is still the same. And my roommate chooses the same drink to drink, Pepsi. And I choose the same snack to eat with that drink, peanuts. Another boring New Year celebration coming.
As we wait for the new year, TV shows always sucks (at least this year we have TV to watch, last year we even did not know when is new year because my watch show 12.00 am and my roommate show 11.58 am; turn out to be both of our watches is 10-15 minutes faster so we celebrate the year of 2007 earlier than anyone else in this country). I watch old movie in my laptop, and my roommate watch the sucks TV shows, A few friends from the next room did came to our room to watch TV together. At least many people will bring more fun. Still, the emptiness feeling can be felt inside.
3...2...1... officially they announced that the year 2008 is beginning. We opened up our Pepsi and peanuts, which turn to be not enough for the rest of friends that came to hang out in our room. We share a little bit for each of them making sure everyone got their share.
Sometimes, life is fair (sometimes). Unexpectedly, one of our friend said that he has food supply in his room and he is to kind to share it with us. So this is the first time life become fair. He brings chocolate cakes and some other snacks for us. We call every third year medical student in our block (all of our classmate) to our room and together we eat the cakes and any other food available. Only the drink is not enough. Around 10 people in our small room, eating and laughing for a few minutes before leaving. I feel so happy. Because the empty New Year celebration has been filled with the cheer and joyful of my friend (with foods and drinks).
After all the friends leaved, only a few of us sitting in the room, still watching and ignoring the sucks TV shows, and then discussing (while playing cards) about a party that we tend to organize a few months later. A farewell party for seniors. We discuss, make jokes, still playing cards until the time almost 1.15 am in the morning. Then everyone leave.
I sit in the room alone, with my roommate whereabouts unknown. (He is talking in the phone outside with his girl). I just sit without knowing what to do next. I recall each year that I did not celebrate. Since 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, and this year 2008. I want to celebrate New Year again. With family, with friends, with people that I loved. Each year, I feel like year after year, is going to be boring. The new year going to the same as last year. I did not feel the celebration.
I turn out the light, checking my hand phone, guessing that they would be friends that wish me Happy New Year. Open the inbox of my phone... turn out to be that I only received new year wish from 5 persons tonight; my mom, my sister, Emie mading, Ilah, my foster brother Abang Kamri. I sent wish to many people. Haha. I am laughing to myself. Maybe I am really becoming ghost year after year. Could be that no one remember me anymore. Haha.
Thanks to the 5 person because cheering up my life,(or replying my New Year wish).
I am sitting alone in the room, with no resolution in my mind. With no plan in my mind. With the light turned out. I grab my pillow and close my eyes.
And the flashing fireworks 5 years ago clearly appear in my mind. I will remember that night. I got everything that night. The happiness, family, friends, food and drinks, music, beautiful fireworks, freedom, and a great memory to remember.
As I sleep, my negative thinking appear… that I am the ghost of the year, completely disappear into the future….
ASCAP23 (1st January 2008 2.00 am)