I've been through a lot this few weeks. With exam, the educational exam and the life exam. When i say life exam, it mean that it is about the life i have been through this few weeks.
Lots of decision i have to make. Well, the medical exam doesn't really bother me, but the life one is putting me in a stress that i only tasted once before and i don't want it to be again.
I start to realize that we cannot just understand what happen in front of our eyes. I start to realize that world is so cruel and complicated. I start to realize that to be good, you wouldn't always have to feel good. I start to realize that everything that happen is not what actually happen. I start to realize, that myself is not the same 4 years ago.
Stress and pressure i taste 4 years ago start to crack my head again. Pushing me down as it do to me years ago. Making me want to cry and give up my life. But i can't because the purpose of my life is still far away. The goal that i want to achieve is still waiting in front of me. So i will, however, try so hard to go through this once again.
I start to ask few friends and start to forget things by using them as a anti-stress elements. But friends isn't always be a friend when you need them. Then i start to realize the black and white of all my friends. I start to realize that people are going into a phase where they only care for themselves. They only appear when they want help. They only using you.
So second by second, i am dying alone. Without one that could help me.
.... "you are so selfish," is the word my friend use to me when i tell her about my problem. What? Me? Why not them? From that moment, i start to recall back whatever i have done that make her use this word.
As she continue, I start to learn new things in life " You cannot just try to believe that anyone can help you, you cannot just believe that friend will always be there. You have yourself and you must not be selfish to yourself. care about it before others do..."
I start to recall 4 years ago that i was so confused about everything, and i start to change and evolve to be another different man in this world. I do it because the old me couldn't stay alive anymore. Inside, i am dying.
"You cannot rush to achieve everything, that is one part of your selfishness. You must take care the other before the other take care of you," this is the part where i did not really agree with her. This is because all my life, i have been putting myself in a condition where i serve others, until the end, i will serve other. After i become a doctor, i will serve other. I did not get the part where i did not take care of the others. When is it?
Well, some people advice don't really make me feel that i am wrong or right. This is because i like to take several words from people before i make conclusion.
A friend that always be there for me when i need it says, "Life is so unfair and cruel, just get use to it." And this is the honest thing i ever heard from a living real human.
" What should i do if i cannot handle it again like 4 years ago?" i said honestly showing that i am not that strong in this situation...
"You said that 4 years ago, you change because the old you die... and i did see that you are not the same person again, but it is you now. Still you. I don't care whether you die again like before, at least you are still here as you again. But i know it will be different. But you like it. You like to be a 'ghost'. Suddenly change and disappear." she really realize the changes in me.
Well, as you could see, that i will change after a certain pressure i take. I call it die. And i will silent myself when i can handle something complicated, and i call it ghost.
Die and ghost, is the term i use to describe my failure solution. To change myself and become like a brand new person with certain attitude, and try to make myself hidden from anyone like a ghost.
" You can die and become ghost again, but i bet you could try something else, to slow down your life, and try to take something pieces by pieces rather than taking it as a whole," as i saw her speaking, i know that this girl really speaking the truth of me.
I was having a fast life, trying to go fast to take everything, but i realize that going fast doesn't mean you can get fast. Going fast and get fast is two different things. Well, she is right, and i am right.
Silent for a moment, then she says " What do you want to do?"
I smile... and say " I will die and become ghost once again."
- People could see anything that happen in front of their eyes but 80 percent of them didn't realize it happen.
Dedicated to all my friends. If you could understand it, then you are my real friend, if you could only realize it, then you are someone that i appreciate so much, and if you don't have any clue about it, just read it. Nothing so matter.