Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Bad new come and go. What we get we will deserve to lose it too. Everytime i woke up in the morning, i start to think, why i'm still breathing? Why i'm still here. Why i still have a gut to live?
Because i still have a chance to live, but most of the thing i can't do. Most of the thing is so complicated for me to think.
I want to stop thinking, but that is the only thing i good of. Thinking .... thinking something useless or beneficial.
Beside thinking, i smile. Like a crazy one. I smile..thinking about my life, what have i done, what have i do wrong. So many.
I still go to my Drama practice after receiving something that almost killed my happiness. I have no more mood to talk, to walk, to smile. But still i talk, walk and smile.
And for the first time last night. I seriously think about heaven. Whatz in it? What thing they got there in heaven?
For the first time i want to know the answers but i can't. cause everything not in our reality. It's abstract.
For most religion, each of them describe this ehaven is beautiful place, is a quiet place. Its the most great great great place to live.
But for what i think, did they have what we have here in this world. Is everything in this world exist in heaven?
Thing is very complicated, and i will never know the answer for a very long long time. But i'm sure that i can predict whats in there....
I'm sure, every technology that we have here in this world exist there... cause God is so powerful. God know everything. God can create everything.
But the thing that i want to make sure is... about our family. Did my family exist there? I come to think about it again and again.......
And at last i make a conclusion to myself that i will never know about it until the time is come..
But i'm very sure about it...that even though i can't say that there will have Internet. or Jet plane there cause i'm not really sure about it, only God knows, but i'm sure that there will be my family inside it. That is one thing that i'm really sure....
In the morning,
i woke up like yesterday,
but this morning,
it was so cool and dark.
In the morning,
i went to my class and meet my friends,
But this morning,
I feel like friends isn't important as i thought they is.
In the afternoon,
i ate my lunch like yesterday,
But this afternoon,
I can't even taste what i ate.
In the night,
i was reading book like last night,
But that night,
my phone ring...
and i heard...
that you are already there in heaven!
Al-Fatihah to my Grandfather that just pass away yesterday afternoon when i was doing my SLP.
And the last time i met him during Chinese New Year... He was on the hospital bed smiling when i come.
And i know from his face that he's proud of what i'm doing now to become a doctor.
And when i know that he pass away yesterday.... i'm stuck here on my own feet.
Cause i can't even go back to his funeral. Cause i'm here studying. And i feel so guilty about it...
" You don't need to go back, the funeral is already over, everything is done. Just pray to him. And keep up your study, and don't disturb your concentration for the examination" is what my mother told me.
And i'm not going back. Not because i did not respect it, but my life is only about the choice. I choose to stay. And i will pray a lot to you.
And when i finish my exam, and i have time later, i will go back and went to the graveyard as the first thing i will do..
And i'm very sorry..... very sorry... and i don't know wether you will listen to me again. but i'm really sorry, and sorry, and sorry , and sorry, and sorry. Sorry for even not frequently visit you in the hospital because of the same reason. Sorry.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
But what I don’t like is when they said that they have put some spell like in this raisin and God will cleverness to the one that eat it. Like they sure that they God have already put the cleverness inside that raisin. And they sell it for a high price.
I see a lot of my friends that is really clever, Muslin or non-muslim, they eat ordinary raisin due to the fact that raisin really contribute maybe about 0.0005% to your mind. And I see that the Mind raisin and the ordinary raisin is actually the same thing. No big different. Both have Halal Logo from Jawi.
Conclusion, my raisin did not exist. God did not unfair like that. God did not only put a good thing inside the Mind Raisin and the other raisin contain nothing. Both are the same. If you really want to become clever in the aspect of Islam, you just read Yassin or Al-Quran and put a glass or bottle of water infront of you and drink that water after you are finish reading. I see that this method work a little for me. But still it is spiritual. It give us harmony to our internal spirit. Maybe because that is what I believe and I get what I believe. But I believe that. We use to drink Yassin’s Water every week when I was in the boarding school. And I manage to cope until now.
Mind raisin? Think about it again. Cause I emphasized that you will get what you believe, then its mean that you must not discontinue taking that mind raisin. It’s good for your mind but compare the price. But if you really want to contribute to Islam industry, that’s a good way. Not your fault.
The one that must think about it is the people who make that raisin. If you want to develop Islam industry in business, why should use the religion thing to the product? Why must you say that you’ve already pray and sure that God’s Gift is inside the raisins? We must compete. Other religion’s product did not have to say that their God already bless their product, but why must we say that kind of thing. God bless anyone, not only your raisin……
p/s: Im talking about the mind raisin product that I used to take before. The one that say “God already bless this raisin” Not the one you buy. Maybe the one you buy is more cheaper and better in every aspect.
p/s: Free thinkers like me is very dangerous. And I hope that you will not agree with me completely. Must think. Thinking makes you happy.
Note: Big thanks to SmallCap and WHiteCheEks for giving me a baseline to write this crap entry
I remember once, my mother said to me about why she gave me a lot of food at that time. She said that she was looking at the past when we have nothing to eat because we don’t have money, thus when there is a little bit of money she sure only know to cook and give us food. That is a normal feeling of a mother with a difficult past.
But I’m going to stop telling story about that. Now about the food supplement that I take to make me more clever( did I say more? :-p). Okay, the first thing is breakfast. My mother really concern about my breakfast. Every morning she prepare our breakfast. Usually rice and egg. I don’t why that menu is introduce, but is sure cheap and provide enough energy for my brain until the afternoon. And coffee or tea as a drink. But I didn’t like to eat that breakfast coz what I prefer is Mee Megi and egg. And that is what usually I get in the morning because I really don’t like to eat rice. And, it still provide enough energy for m until the afternoon.
Oh my, I forgot about the food supplement. I take some kind of pills called Examo. This thing is a direct selling thing that my mother buy from some teacher in my school. I had read the sticker at the Examo’s bottle and it say that Examo provide oxygen for our brain. So I eat that until I reach standard 6. Since I take Examo, I never drink coffee. Until now. Now I already become allergic to coffee.
I stop eating that Examo when I enter secondary school. And I remember that my academic level was totally down at that time. My mother was very concerned about that. She did ask me to eat that Examo again but I don’t want. Cause if eat that Examo, I can’t drink Coke. Because if I drink coke, I will had a headache. Combination of Examo and coke will cause headache to me. I want to drink coke, and I don’t want to eat Examo.
So did I failed my Exam. No! In my class that time most of my classmate are Chinese and they are very clever, but I did survive. Without eating Examo. Then I start to realize that Examo is nonsense. It had no effect in boosting up my brain. All are lie!
When I enter boarding school when I was in form 4 (before this my school was St.Anthony, a Christian school, or maybe a Chinese school but already takeover halfly by the government. That is what I understand). I was 16 that time and I usually fall sick. Maybe my kidney have a problem. I remember the last time I really fall sick, I was sent to the hospital, and they found that my left or right kidney is unfuntioning. After a few days in the hospital I meet my private doctor and she prescribe me with Vit C and Vitamin E to me healthy. Well, it thus keep me healthy. And that is the only food supplement that I trust until now. Until now I still take Vit C and E daily.
Because all of the people surround me, always saying that I’m stupid. I take a long time to learn to read. I never have a good reputation in my academic. I can call myself.. stupid at that time (Now maybe no big difference, or maybe there is). I think at that time, the thing that contributes to my un-cleverness is the diet I take. If someone see me that time, I have no difference between me and the starved child at Somalia. Because I remember my family was very poor that time. We can’t afford to buy a good nutrition for ourselves. Everyday just eat plain rice with small fish that we caught in the sea near our house. Even though I’m only around 4-5 years old but I still can remember it. Of course I can’t remember all the pain and difficulty that my parent had to face to provide us food, but I sure can remember about what kind food I get that time….
No chicken, no meat,no big fish, only small fish everyday. And every fish we caught by ourselves(actually by my father, or I don’t know, can’t remember). Vegetables? We used to eat those vegetables from the jungle… keke… it’s a healthy life you know. But not enough nutrient. I can’t remember a lot. But maybe that’s only a small factor.
The other factor is maybe due to the junk food that I like to eat that time. I remember that I really-really don’t like to eat rice. I like to eat Mee. And the only mee that I can get is Mee Megi. I eat that in the morning, afternoon, night. I like to eat that. Education of a healthy diet was not that much. Thus, my parent did not rally concern about giving me mee Megi frequently. Someone say that eating Megi mee for a whole long duration while studying at University will cause cancer. Because no money, usually University student just eat Megi. And after completing their studies, they die because of cancer. And conclusion, they die because of eating Megi.
Please, I think this is enough nonsense already. Universities courses usually 4-5 years. I eat Megi for a many-many years until now. I’m still alive. Megi did not really cause that much consequences although its true that it is not good for your health.
Okay, now we are going to the big point of this article. I remember that my mother then suddenly become aware of our health. Maybe she is aware since before but when I enter standard 3, maybe she realize that I’m not that good at my academic.
I remember my mother force me to eat a lot due to my very thin condition. She gave me Appeton everyday. And what happen? I really did gain weight. Lot of it. The interesting part is, when I gain my weight I start to develop my brain. Because at that time my family already a little bit stable on economic, then I can eat what I want. About my brain, sure it was developing well. Because when I was I standard 2, I was very stupid but a year after that suddenly I got the first place in my class. Keke… (continue)
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
I realize it when I entered my secondary school. Before that I never know what human feelings are. What is angry? What is happy? What is Sad? For me, angry is for my mother scolding me happy is for our family went to the beach and had a lunch together while me and my sister playing with the sand at the beach. Sad is when I don’t get what I want…when my parents didn’t give me what I want. That’s all I know…. But... when I reach 13, I start to understand some of the human’s feeling. But still I confused about it.
This story, related to our expression, happen when I was in form 4. I’m studying in SMSL labuan, a boarding school. And there, I find that female and male are two different things and must be separate and cannot live together with each other. This is due to the ego of the male and the nonsense act of the female. Don’t know which one is true... but our age that time…full of exciting hormone, hormonal changes, create our own thinking and self declare a sex war. Battle of the sex. Male must win the battle. It’s a funny thing but it happen, and it happens in every teen in the world, I think.
But the main point is, sometimes I feel very annoyed by the girls when they talk so much, laughing loudly, screaming and ‘mengumpat’ but I never show my anger to them. Or…I couldn’t show it. That’s why when I study, and there making a lot of noise, they never think about me…whether I annoyed or not. Because they look at me like I’m not angry at all. And when I start to boiled by them, I stand up and get directly to them and ask them to be quiet………but I’m smiling…like I’m not that serious… I try to stop my smile but it can’t…then the quiet a few minutes then they make noise again, because they think I’m not serious about it.
This led me to ask a few of my friends about myself, I start to investigate what kind of person I am. Then I was pretty shock that almost all of my friends said that they never saw me angry since they met me. Did I really never get angry…no! I always get angry when something I don’t like annoy me. But why they never saw it…
Just because I always smile when I talk… That’s why. From that day, I start to reduce my smile and look more serious (actually I am that kind of person, but when I speak, smile is the first thing that comes out. But when I don’t speak, I won’t smile…because it looks like I’m crazy).
That’s why a lot of people scared to make friends with me, but suddenly they found that I’m not that type of person, and then they will become my friends. Because to see me smile, you must first talk with me….
*Why I’m telling this? This is not a guide article on how to be my friends!!!!
Forget it. I also did not understand about it. And the second main point in this entry is… about forgiveness. My ability to forgive someone…Kekeke...
Okay…okay… Forgive. I like to forgive. Every time someone making a mistake to me I will automatically forgive them. They never need to ask for my forgiveness. I’m not the unforgiven even I like that ‘Unforgiven’ song by Metallica.
So, until now….how many people I already forgive? I can’t count. But how many people that I can’t forgive? 2 people. 19 years I’ve lived in this world, only 2 person I will not forgive…
One is a girl. I already forgive her when he cry and ask for my forgiveness…but after I forgive, she went to do the same thing again. Things that make me sad, things that can kill my heart, my soul, my mind, and my belief ….I hate her. She makes thing that I hate. I couldn’t tell so much about what she had done to me, because it’s something between us. And just to say, I hate it very much.
Two, is a guy. A guy who is related to the girl apologizes. The guy that cause the girl to ask for my forgiveness. The guy that I hate very much. I can forgive the girl once, but I can’t forgive this guy. Because of him, I live my new perspective of life, new world, the world that I hate so much.
To count in every aspect, I hate both of them, because what they have done causing me to lose my grips to this world. They’ve done something that I don’t want to believe. Both are human that already fall into devils hand. They won’t be going so far….
But now…. I start to think and realize that the guy is not guilty. Not his fault. So I’m kinda forgive that guy already. (What the heck!). But the girl? I still considered her as my friends…but…she is the one who did not want to be. So, depends on her, I don’t care anymore.
So after I wrote the above paragraph, as a conclusion, I only didn’t forgive one person in my whole life.
But what happens to me is a hard thing to accept. After those things happen, I couldn’t accept lie anymore. Why..? The next thing I want to say is about lie.
I cannot accept a lie. A true lie (??). After I went through a hard way of my life, I really can forgive someone that lie to me. That’s why I cannot forgive the girl but not the guy. This is because the girl is the one who lie.
So, did anybody lie to me after that…? I really don’t want to go through something like that again.
Okay... what kind of lie that I can’t forgive? I don’t know how to describe it... it’s a lie that finally I know that it’s a lie by myself. Understand?
I can accept if someone lies to me and after a short period, that person comes and tell me the truth. The truth that she or he lie to me. But I can’t accept when you lie and then I found out that it’s a lie by myself. Without you become honest to say that you are lying. This is the kind of lie that I can’t accept. Even if someone said that he or she already plan to tell me the truth, but it’s too late… I cannot forgive it...
Then, as a conclusion to this entry is... its all about my life. .. Kekeke…. I just want to say that I will not become angry that easily, but to forgive (to someone that lie to me)… is very hard to me. Don’t worry to all my friends… it’s hard to me angry. And usually I can’t become angry. But I can’t forgive certain thing. This is because I’ve already promised that I won’t forgive someone that lie to me. So I’m…….
P/s: this entry is dedicated to someone that did not understand me. The one that confused whether I’m angry or not. Dedicated to you two and you too.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
We are so proud....
We are so strong..
I like to hear lyrics...and understand them. Some people just listen to some song..like it rhymitic sound, the music is good..then say its a good song. I say no..
I don't know why but most of the human being are like that, because music is entertaiment, it make us happy, sad, relax and calm but i take it seriously because i just don't judge a song from its rhyming, but their meaning. A song can be a teacher, can be a storyteller, mind opener, and a lot more things if you realy understand what does it means.
That's why i take a hundred times repeating a song because some song a really hard to understand, and some vocabulary is not familiar with me. I listen to Malay song, English and also chinese but chinese song, i honestly can't understand because i don't learn Chinese language. Thus, i only can understand Malay and English song. How pity...kekeke..
Wait, what i want to talk about in this article is not about music..cause i'm sure people don't understand the way i look into music. Here i want to tell about our life, as a student in this University. I like to tell the story about our life as a medical student...
Sure, people always say that being a medical student is cool, great, can have sex everyday( some of my blog viewer say like this i don't know why. Read my entry on Haunted SKTM for further understanding) i don't know why. Since one of my blog's viewer say like this i always want to write this entry. To tell how hard and enjoyable our life is now.
I'm not saying medical student's life isn't cool, cool i say, but we are trained to be proffesional, not like what you think of having fun everyday.
Let's get straight to the point..ok...this i what i do everyday:
5.30 am - wake up...sleep back ( i don't know why it become like this)
6.30 am- Shower, ready to wait for bus
7.30 am- Breakfast
8.00 am- Class and lecture
12.30pm - Lunch
2.00 pm - Lecture
4.00 pm - Class is over ( go to computer lab or library or straight back to hostel)
5.00 pm - Monday and Wednesday-> language class. The other day-> At hostel doing some laundry or listen to mucis with roomate.
7.00 pm- Dinner
8.00 pm- 10 pm - Study
10.oopm - watch Anime
12.00am - Study and revision
2.00 am- Sleep.
This is the cycle of my life... Everyday.. Its fun isn't it. And it's cool. Sunday and saturday also the same, only the different is on sunday and saturday i'm not going to the class but i'm going to the library.
What i found is..my life is really unboring. Because each minute i have things to do. I never feel boring nowadays. very fun..
And the most important thing is...i have a lot of friends. and They are all fun..and crazy. I don't like to make friends with some serious chicks or boys. I like to make friends with someone that is crazy...you know what i mean. Someone that always make me smile. And i found all my friends now is crazy. Kahkah..i'm not saying they have mental problem but they really know how to have fun and study. Happy go lucky life. No control-control cantik or hensem, please..kahakah..
My mother ask me to stop complaing too much, i say i will... But still i'm here feeling like what i feel before.
Another bunch of picture collection of my medical collegue, and also my great cool and crazy friends........
My friends learn to do some bandaing and i learn how to become a victim...How come?
Now my friends turn to become a mummies. Poor thing..keke
see...see.. The face of my crazy friends..kahkah...
Ahakz...don't know what to say... This is..that is a dustbin back there..and a door..And also a broom.. with my friends infront of them.
This is the picture that i really like want to put inside my page here... A picture of my friends waiting for our Lecture Hall to be opened. they really look like a direct sellers who are looking for customers... Wakkaka.....But think about it again..they are your doctors in the future!!!
Hmm... I feel really wasted if i take so many picture and nobody see it..thus i put it here so everybody in the whole world can see it. It's the fun of taking picture.....keke..Okay now..I'm going to put some game here...The next picture...
Look at this picture carefully...what is the mysterious thing about this picture?
Look it more closely...what is the weird thing. If you can't tell..then you better get into a moral class and learn about moral value again.
Kahkah.....That's all la..i'm sorry if i'm doing something wrong...i did. Kahkah..but i assumed that you all know how to laugh...then all of you will not get mad at me if i mistakenly put your pictures here. Kahkahkahkah...
Another wasting time's blog.
p/s: I remember 19 years ago..this day..i'm in my mother uterus..and i feel like i want to get out that day...Yes i remember it..This day 19years ago..i really want to get out but i can't..but then a few days later i'm free to this world!!!
Monday, March 06, 2006
But despite of all of that, i'm trying to forget my past...really..really want to forget some of my past.
I'm alone in a bus..8.30 pm...in a colourful light of Kota Kinabalu Town..the place where i have been before this, but i've been there in a different situation, different attitude..in a whole different perspective about life. I remember this is the town where me and my friends create Visitorz Car Phark, one of my own personal legend... Ou own legend. I still have the picture where we take a picture of a signboard that give us a lot of inspiration of the future. Lots of stroy but i couldn't tell here. Cause i only talk the moral of the story here.
Our life could be a journal that is beneficial to the others...
I'm really alone in the bus...watching lots of adoloscene walking around at night in the city full of light, wearing their Nike shoe, levis jeans and white blue cap. Most of them black skin....perfect..but not the way i want them to be...
Going back to my past...Hip hop is a part of my life, to be cool is our ambition, and to perfom in front of audience is out target.. It's a childish part of my life history. But still i remember the juice that we feel that time.
To get into Hip hop is not like those bunch of posers that just say irresponsibly that there are Hip hop, listen to rap music doesn't make you a hip hop. Wearing beggy jeans and bling-bling doesnt make you a real hip hop. To be in it, you must first get into it.
On our time, we have to really know what is hip hop, what thus it do, who create it, how is it created, what years...who developed it, who is the first pioneer, who is the one who spread it...all of them must be remembered. And how to act and pose like a hip hop. wearing a cheap beggy jeans with a big sign of hip hop doesn't mean you are a hip hop. choosing the right brand and colour is one of the criteria of hip hop.
And the final thing is to show your ability in the 4 elements of it. Must be remeber that there is 4 elements, graffiti, Emcee, Dj, and breakdance (supposed to B-boyz but i don't know why suddenly at our time, b-gurlz is official and we have to accept girls in the elements).
I choose emcee as my elements and i remember how many rhyme i write until someone misunderstood me as crazy person. I'm not, cause all my friends have their own elements.
Forget it... forget it. All those thing is rubbish for me now. Looking to the people right now, i start to realize that your life is original, your skill and your ability is original. No need to follow all this trend. I'm not saying go to the hell hip hop, but i want people think about it. It's fun and dangerous to be in such organization, but remember..don't let those culture pull you down.
I'm very sad looking lots of young boyz and girls really been killed by this culture. It supposed to be a healthy culture.Drinks,drugs and sex is normal in this culture but we are Malaysian, we have our own very beautiful culture. to hybrid is okay, but don't let it surpass our culture.
I'm really sad when my old friends says that ist's very easy to sleep with a hip hop girls. Don't need to buy any bitch right now. So sad about this statement. Hip hop is going down if it continue like this.
What?What i'm saying. Suposed that i must forget all of this thing. Kahkah...But still i want to protect it...
Now i'm alone...no need any crew anymore. I'm becoming 20 this year. Now i know why adults did not relly crazy about all of this trend and culture...now i understand. Now i really understand.
TO forget my past is really difficult. But forgeting the above is only a part of my dificulty. There is another part of my life that i want to forget...it happen when i was 18years old....
It happen when i meet someone that really change my point of view. Someone that really open my eyes on how disgusting our people are....
It happen like this......
(To be continue)
ASCAP23 6 february 2006